"Tech Tip" or Was It "Bullshit Tip:" How To Properly Fuck Up A Climb!
Copyright: Indy, 1999
Well, here we go again! Did anyone else happen to catch this picture in Climbing (No 190) Magazine? I know that I sure as hell did. What the hell is Climbing thinking? Have they just gone plain stupid? I think so! There are so many directions that I could go with this; it's hard to pick just one. Well, let's begin.
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I actually think that Climbing Magazine, or more specifically, Jeff "shoot me in the head" Jackson, had a good idea, but lost it in the execution. I think that they were really trying to teach us all how to bolt "plastic" holds onto the rock face. It is really much better! Think about it! If you're going to drill a hole for a bolt, how big is that hole? Well, Climbing says 1/2 inch by 3.5 inch. OK. If you're going to dill a hole to bolt on a plastic hold, how big is that hole? The same; 1/2" * 3.5". If you bolt a climb and place bolts for protection, is it safer (answer: yes), is it easier (answer: yes), but are the hold better (answer: NO)? Now, if you bolt a climb with artificial "plastic" holds, is it safer (answer: hell yes), is it easier (answer: "damn straight" yes), but are the hold better (answer: "fuckin a" YES)? We all know that big holds can be slung for protection. Why not just sling the plastic hold with a runner instead of clipping a quick draw to a bolt hanger? It's just as easy, runners are cheaper than quick draws, and the holds are much better. Think of how you can pose for your stylish climbing photos. You'll be on the cover of every climbing magazine. An extra bonus to plastic is the bright color; the cliffs will come alive with the reds, yellows, and oranges that the plastic holds are colored with. It all makes sense now! To save Climbing Magazine time and effort (since they're so damn busy out finding good articles for print), I have taken the liberty of fixin their picture. It has all of the points which should have been brought to attention.
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It really is hard for me to picture Climbing Magazine as "sane." It is impossible for Climbing to talk out of "both sides of their mouth;" they've got so many mouths, they just need to pick one. On one hand, Climbing bitches and moans about the banning of fixed anchors. They tell climbers to "bolt responsibly" while they tell land managers that we should be "self regulated." I say no to both. There is no way that anyone, in the modern climbing arena, can bolt responsibly. Climbers want to eliminate risk, so they bolt every five feet. Is that "bolting responsibly?" Uh, I don't think so. Go to any sport area. You could play Hollywood Squares on the grid pattern that climbers have bolted. If climbers continue to bolt in the manner that is currently accepted (by the sport climbing community), it won't be long before land owners ban climbing. Land managers don't see the difference between trad or sport; they see climbing. Sport climbers think that their bolts affect only their type of climbing. The bolting affects all of us. Young, inexperienced climbers see the pictures of "casual" bolting and think that it is acceptable. Let me say for the record, that bolting is not acceptable. A large point that has been overlooked, in this article, is the use of a Bosch Cordless Drill. Did Climbing Magazine also forget the 1964 Wilderness Act. "The use of motorized equipment is strictly prohibited."
While I was looking through some old photos, I found a picture that is very similar to the cartoon in Climbing Magazine. The difference is the use of the "hooks." In the Climbing cartoon, the climbers is hanging from two hooks to drill a bolt hole. In my photo, the climber is using two hooks for protection. If the hooks are good enough to hang from, while operating a drill, they should be good enough for protection. In my photo, notice in the "close up" that the hooks have been weighted with a separate rope to keep them from moving. That's a nice touch. Just above the climber is an "atomic" cam placement. Too bad Climbing; your old "bolts are a necessary piece of equipment" bullshit just doesn't hold up anymore. I think you should take my subscription and shove it up your ass. After seeing the type of shit that you are publishing, I don't want it anymore.
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Sincerely,
Mark "Indy" Allen