The Rules of Rock Climbing

Many, if not all of us, know that there are few rules concerning the activity of climbing. Well, actually, many of the original "hard men" wanted climbing to be free, not concerned with rules, and enjoyable to all, in what ever personal way you may see as fit. As the number of climbers grew, so did the number of "jack asses" with low moral and ethical standards. As such, the purists began to impose rules to keep the mediocre mediocrity at bay. The rules were always "unwritten" as such, but have always been known, or told, to other climbers in some way or fashion. Usually, these "rules" are shouted to the unknowing culprit as they are in the midst of their own demise; "Hey you! You know that you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing!" Most of the rules are a collection of one line phrases that just sound good. In my personal adventures, I have found and collected as many of these phrases as I could find. While on a recent trip, I found a unique collection by Ken Nichols of Connecticut. As such, I present you with the now formal "Rules of Rock Climbing." Oh, I almost forgot. If you like these rules, write Ken. If you don't, well, too bad! You probably don't like them because you break the rules. Later.

• Traprock's Tendency: If it looks like a hold, it isn't.
• Jelen's Judgment: If it doesn't look like a hold, it is.
• Hazard's Headache: The hold is off route.
• Sully's Sorrow: The hold is out of reach.
• Carney's Correction: The hold is too low to use.
• Lanier's Logic: Jamcracks are harder than faces.
• Clothier's Contention: Faces are harder than jamcracks.
• Carilli's Conclusion: No route is too loose to climb.
• Leader's Lament: The gear won't fit the crack.
• Follower's Finding: The gear won't come out.
• Soloist's Satisfaction: There is no gear.
• Croft's Credo: If at first you don't succeed, don't try soloing.
• Wiessner's Vow: The leader never falls!
• Becky's Ballad: There are old climbers and there are bold climbers, but there are no old, bold climbers.
• AMC's Axiom: If you die climbing, we'll split your gear.
• Pesci's Proposal: If you climb a route on the first try, it's over graded.
• Reppy's Rule: If you can't climb a route on the first try, it's under graded.
• Sherman's Sermon: Sport climbing is neither!
• Palm's Paradox: Sport climbers can't lead without fixed gear.
• Dan's Discovery: When you have no talent, steal the work of others.
• Hampton's Hypocrisy: Do unto others before they do unto you.
• Landowner's Law: Climbers are crazy. Close the cliffs. Call the cops.
• Brown's Bromide (on the Access Fund): Alienate the landowners. Divide the climbers. Bulldoze parking lots. Bolt the cliffs. Join the Abscess Fund.
• RMF's Regret: You can fool all of the climbers some of the time and some of the climbers all of the time, but you can't fool all of the climbers all of the time.
• Indy's Impotence: The wise man climbs tomorrow.
• Indy's Insight: Long hair gets caught on rappel.
• Niland's Nightmare: So do beards.
• Saul's Secret: Two left fee are better than none.
• Green's Gripe: Line drawings are harder than climbing.
• Author's Advisory: When in doubt, read the route description.
• Ivanoff's Ignorance: When all else fails, blame the author.
• Pat's Prescription: Laughter is the best medicine.
• Tacy's Twist: It may not be fair, but it's the truth!
• Mike's Misery: Climbing - too hard, too clean, too trad, too bad!